Florida Chick Faces the Future

All throughout middle school and high school I had perfect skin. Annoying, I know, but the truth is that I only wore foundation to fit in with the cool girls, and I complained about having to use Oxypads every night even though I usually forgot about them until they dried up in their little cylindrical container. At one point I even wanted to send a photo in to Teen Magazine because they always had the top 5 of the month - best hair, best eyes, best skin, best smile and best profile. I'm not sure what the qualifications actually were but since it was before the time of .jpg files and photoshop, I suppose they just rifled through the pictures of wanna-be Miss Teen America's and voted on their favorites. I suppose that's also why I never got around to sending in a photo - it's one thing to send a photo via email or snapfish or picassa and completely another to take a photo, wait 48 hours for it to be developed at the corner pharmacy (I definitely wasn't going to ask my mom to pay extra for 24 hour development) bring it home, cross my fingers that one out of the 24 roll turned out well, send it in a SASE (A very trendy term also from the back of Teen), go to the post office, buy a stamp and get it in the mail.

A had a slight skin issue a few years ago when I had a few blemishes pop up here and there so I used my sister's Proactive. Came to find out that I am allergic to benzoyl peroxide, and instead of beautiful skin like Jessica Simson and Kelly Clarkson, I ended up with red swollen eyes that I could barely open and a band of red rash that ran across my face from temple to temple - it was like a pink raccoon mask with pillowy eyelids. Needless to say I didn't continue with Proactive, and everytime we see a commercial Kaitlyn asks, "isn't that the stuff that made your eyes swell up all funky?" Yes. yes it is.

Somewhere in the last few years, however, my skin has chosen to rebel. It's not enough that I no longer get carded and that I have to work out just a tad harder than I used to in order not to gain weight, but my skin has also decided that staying clear is overrated, and that I am no longer one of the special few who can boast about never having skin problems. Instead of getting wrinkles (which I'm not hoping for either) I'm getting acne. Not the occasional blemish kind either, but the kind that leaves me with red polka-dot cheeks and hurts to touch...I'm surprised no one's asked me if I have chicken pox. Ok, maybe it's not quite that bad, but my Dominican relatives (I say this because it explains their willingness to discuss my own faults with me as if it was their familial responsibility) have prescribed various remedies all having to do with honey - honey and salt, honey and oatmeal, honey and olive oil. My mom has even mixed me up her fail-proof organic honey and raw sugar scrub...and swears that my skin already looks better...hmmm. I'm not sure that my skin actually looks better, but I do have to say that the scrub is great to use because it tastes so yummy when it melts down my face and into my mouth. Anyway, I figure there's some sort of body karma going on - and just when I think I have something to brag about, pre-middle agehood kicks in and shouts, "just kidding!!"

So anyway, my 33rd birthday is coming up and I'm going to be asking for only two things...clear skin - because really, if I can't be 13 again (and honestly, isn't being 13 once enough?) I could at least ask to look like it, right? And smaller thighs...what the heck, if I'm going to have the skin of a pre-teen, I might as well have the legs to go with it!

Florida Chick Tries Pilates

After 7 days of getting my butt kicked by Jillian, I woke up this morning and decided I just couldn't take it any more. The truth is, I knew that if I had to do one more plank-jack, pendulum lunge, or squat-thrust I might just give up on this exercise thing altogether...I also knew that if I didn't do anything, I would probably not do anything tomorrow either...or the next day...or the next... so I compromised and found a nice 24 minute pilates workout (I love On-Demand) that I thought would get me through the hate cycle of my love-hate relationship with Jillian, without totally blowing the past 7 days of hard work.


Now, I've never done Pilates. I've done yoga and yogalates (a very trendy combo of yoga poses and pilates strength exercises...or that's what the brochure said anyway) but never plain ole pilates, but I've heard it's what the ballet dancers with amazing legs use so I figured what the heck. Now I'm sure that in general, pilates does amazing things...but I have to admit that after 7 days on Jillian's shred, the leg portion of the workout kind of reminded me of my highschool days when Monica and I would spend hours in legwarmers doing "Buns of Steel" in the living room; the knee squeeze exercise also brought back memories of using Suzanne Sommers' thigh master while watching 90210 - yes, we had a thighmaster.

The ab section was better, and I almost passed out when I had to do the 100 breath pulse thing - apparently a pilates staple...and although I initially wondered if it was really doing anything to improve my six-pack, as I'm sitting here writing, I'm realizing that I have a slight burning sensation in my stomach muscles - apparently the exercises need about 9 hours to brew before the pain really sneaks up on you.

Overall, the 24 minutes of pilates was a nice break from Jillian's constant demand for double jump ropes and walking push-ups, but I suppose that if I'm actually going to shred the size of my rear so that I can wear skinny jeans without looking like an upside-down triangle, I should stick to Jillian and let her continue to let her make me sweat and cry (yesterday Carson walked in and asked if I was OK) ...and if all else fails, I can always wear vertical stripes...

Florida Chick Returns

Contrary to popular belief, I have not crawled under a rock or fallen off the face of the Earth...I've just been lazy, well not exactly lazy, just lazy about writing. However, due to the fact that I have gotten a huge amount of flack for falling off of the New Year's resolution wagon, I've decided to make an effort update all of my followers (all two of you) and bring a little laughter to your life by making fun of mine...I figured a good way to start is by overviewing the last 6 weeks of my life - here goes...

In the past six weeks I've taken three classes through Southeastern University, making me somewhat crazy and completely crabby. I've maintained my well-earned streak of a 4.0 gpa, almost losing it when I had to assess the statistical validity and reliability of the FCAT and write an 8th grade Civics test that was based on state mandates and covered all areas of Bloom's Taxonomy...seriously.

I also took 12 7th and 8th grade girls to cheerleading camp for a week in West Palm Beach - this event completely changed my mind about my ability to parent a teenage girl and Kaitlyn is now under strict instructions to never hit puberty.

The day after arriving home from cheerleading camp, I left for two weeks in Michigan. It was 57 degrees when we landed and I had to buy new sweatshirts for the kids who currently own only school uniforms, ratty t-shirts, and shorts - none of which were all that appropriate for the frigid weather up north. My trip was highlighted by a slumber party with catalogs filled with unmentionably good items, low gas prices, and multiple bottles of pinot grigio shared with my mother-in-law. The downside was that after Kaitlyn's first week at sleepaway camp she was crying...not because she missed me, but because I had to pick her up. She had so much fun that she wanted to move in with her counselor - again, no puberty for her.

I've rounded out my summer with various other new activities. I've tried blue eyeshadow for the first time since seventh grade, and curling mousse which is an effort to embrace the Florida humidity instead of fighting it...both have been good choices, garnering me a "Mrs. V, you look so...relaxed," from one of my students. I suppose this is in direct contrast to the uptight and frustrated Mrs. V. that usually shows up in the classroom?

I've also become a baseball fan (seriously, I'm a VanHekken...you'd think it would've happened sooner) and can now name the starting line-ups for the Marlins, Cubs and Tigers and make completely appropriate baseball statements when I yell at the T.V. - most of which are aimed at Dan Uggla's ridiculous spot as the 5-hitter, or Fredi's insistance at playing Bonifacio instead of Gload...see, don't I sound professional?

In all, I've spent the last 6 weeks doing everything in the world except for writing. But I have good excuses...and I'm all about making excuses whenever possible (for example, my legs are sore, I might not be able to work out with Jillian tomorrow morning) and placing blame on things totally out of my control (like, the Marlins play at 7 every night...its their fault I haven't been writing). Oh well, according to my BFF Laine, they say that it takes 14 days to create a habit...here's to day one...or actually day 206...but who's counting?

Florida Chick Does Her Part

I have been completely offline for the last 7 days. I've basically been ignoring all of my friends, family, and responsibilities in order to completely submerge myself into the incredibly addicting world of Edward and Bella. If you have read Twilight you know what I'm talking about...honestly, I thought it was ridiculous that my friends were into vampire stories...until I read it...and ditched my entire life to become involved in their saga.

I did take one break this week...actually, I only had about 50 pages left in Breaking Dawn and I was trying to make it last as long as possible...so I took that opportunity to do my civil duty and go see the movie Earth. Now, most of you know that I fall fairly close to the tree-hugger range of environmental friendliness. I carry my envirobag with me at all times just in case I need to make an emergency trip to the store and God forbid they offer me plastic, and (to the embarrassment of my family) I've been known to pull recycleables out of public garbage cans to bring them home and put in the recycle bin. (Seriously people, stop throwing Gatorade bottles in the trash!) So you can imagine my excitement about this movie...landscape, animals, nature...disturbing animal death scenes. Yes, that's correct, I had to cover Carson's eyes multiple times to keep him from seeing the elephants being mauled to death by the lions and the gazelle being taken down by the cheetah. Yes, I know it's the circle of life and all of that...but I just wasn't prepared to answer my 5 year old's questions about animals dying...really Disney, prepare a parent ahead of time please.

Regardless of the animal deaths, the movie was beautiful. Amazing shots of gorgeous, lush rainforests and rushing rivers made me even more excited to do my part in protecting the Earth. In fact, I was so anxious to do my civil duty that as we left, my friend Maxine and I noticed the bloodmobile in the parking lot and made a last minute decision to continue with our warm fuzzy feelings of helping others and donate blood. Now you have to realize that we had 5 kids with us as well...which turned out alright since the bloodmobile is heavily stocked with snacks (usually for woozy post-donation volunteers, but apparently also for hungry, bored children of civil-minded mothers.) It wasn't actually until I was laying in the chair with a needle in my arm that I began to wonder about the legitimacy of the operation. I mean, honestly, at what point do you just walk into a glorified RV and let them stick a needle in your arm...oh that's right, it comes right after the high of knowing a tree was planted in your honor for attending an eco-friendly movie.

Oh well, it actually turned out to be a legit operation (I think) and I feel a certain sort of pride in knowing that in one day, I cleared some CO2 out of the atmosphere and helped someone who might need blood...which brings me back to Twilight...which I finished Friday night and I think might have contributed to my slight depression all weekend. But no need to fear, I'll snap out of it...I'm starting the series again tomorrow, like they say - reduce, reuse, recycle!

Florida Chick on Staycation

It always seems that for us, Spring Break ends up being nothing more than an extended period of Spring cleaning and errand running, catching up on doctor and dentist appointments, and hours spent listening to choruses of "I'm bored" which start at about 2pm on the first day of vacay...but not so this Spring break - oh no, we decided to go all out and take all of the economists advice and vacation where we live. Fortunately for us we live in Florida and not DesMoines(a staycation would be much less fun there I'm thinking) and taking full advantage of our vacation time...we did nothing.

I don't mean nothing in the bad way - you know - the kind that leads to kids whining on the couch because they have nothing to do and there is nothing on T.V. I don't even mean it in the way that that nothing is actually something but involves spending too much money on something you shouldn't have spent money on (ie: "Hi honey, what did you do today?" "Oh nothing." (while shoving a new pair of sandals further into the trunk of the car - not that this has ever happened)).

Anyway, we did nothing this week as in the only work I did was check the time to make sure the kids had a fresh coat of sunscreen every hour, and make one trip to the Dollar Store to replace the first set of water sprayers that were broken in a particulary tough battle by Carson against opposing 5 year olds. We ate out every night (I only had to wash one coffee mug every day - and actually I only rinsed it out since I was reusing it every morning). We ate chips and salsa, slushies, ice cream, and multiple bags of sour skittles and butterfinger minis. We walked the Broadwalk, sat in the sun for hours, read People, US and Oprah, and collected seashells on the beach.

I have to admit that even though Florida has its pitfalls (crime, taxes, home prices, July, jellyfish, mosquitoes, healthcare) it's really nice to be able to spend an entire week relaxing at the beach which is only .8 miles from home...especially when my friends back home (who have little crime, low taxes, and much better healthcare options) are still wearing winter coats...hey it's only fair...I'd trade tanlines for lower taxes - but not in March...I'd take tanlines in March anyday!

Florida Chick Lashes Out...Again

I've had the mascara issue for as long as I can remember. It wasn't helpful that this morning my eyelashes clumped together in a sticky black glob and looked nothing like the mega 60 volume that Maybelline had promised, but I haven't written them a strongly worded email yet, so it's really my own fault...I haven't switched to Great Lash either like I had planned (check the January blogs if you are completely lost on this topic) so, like I said, I deserve the clumping and globbing that I get.

This weekend, however, I had an especially important Hollywood gala to attend...okay, it was actually a school auction, but the theme was Hollywood, so I decided to go all out and glam it up with big hair, smoky eyes and amazing lashes...and not wanting to leave it to chance (or to Maybelline) I went out and bought $6.00 lashes at CVS. $6.00!! and that included the glue and the applicator!

I have to say that I was a little apprehensive when I looked more closely at the packaging and noticed that my lashes were 100% authentic human hair...but then I read that it was sanitized human hair and I felt much better about the whole thing. I pinched the lashes with the plastic applicator, squeezed on the glue, matched them up to my lashline...and voila! Amazing 100% human hair lashes...no Maybelline needed. They really worked well for me all night...I mean, they kept rubbing wierdly against my nose, but I figured if that was the worst of it, it was worth the constant wondering about exactly whose sanitized hair I was wearing - and where do they get human hair for eyelashes? The floor of the salon? or is it donated when someone dies - like organs? Aside from these incredibly morbid questions, my eyelashes held up well...unlike my friend Beth who also attempted the CVS lashes, but ended up with one set flapping into her eyes before we even made it into the party...I tried to help her reattach them, but instead, she pulled them off and applied the mascara that was hidden in her purse "just in case."

I actually liked the lashes so much that I reapplied them the next morning for Kaitlyn's softball game. Wearing them to softball though, really didn't hold as much luster as the big Hollywood gala, so they were off and shoved in the back of the bathroom closet by 2pm...but I have to admit that by this morning I was missing having glam lashes again...so I'll probably finally write that strongly worded email to Maybelline and pick up a tube of regular old Great Lash to see if it still works as well as it did in Jr. High...or maybe I'll just sneak the fake lashes out of the closet and wear them around just for fun - because hey, someone took the time to donate their hair for my beauty needs - and I would hate for someone's thoughtful hair donation to go to waste...

Florida Chick Goes Bargain Hunting

When I think flea market, I generally think of some HGTV show where they take a rickety old chair and turn it into a great shabby chic piece for under $20.00...or that show on PBS where the British brothers tell the little old lady that the ceramic vase she picked up last weekend is actually worth $18,000. So when I headed to the Mardi Gras Casino flea market this afternoon with Kaitlyn and her friend Lena, I was slightly surprised not to find more antiques...instead I found kiosks with giant underwear, used fur coats, and various vases that probably came free with a delivery of valentine carnations in 1984.

Once we discovered that the big plastic sunglasses from the 70's were the closest thing to an antique that we were going to find, we settled on a different mission: to find the tackiest item in the flea market and buy it. It was a difficult task finding the tackiest item, there was just too much to choose from. In our top 5 were a giant tie-dye painted ashtray, a collectors plate with a painting of Daddy Warbucks, a pink ceramic bird thing, a velvet tiger painting, and a portable toilet seat. But number one, (even tackier than the toilet seat) was a paper mache hippopotamus (painted like a giraffe) with a purple and gold kente cloth sack for a body and red paper mache feet...asking price? $5.00. I wish I would have had my camera because the description doesn't do it justice...it was just ugly...and confusing - a hippo in a sack? with giraffe spots? It couldn't even sit up because it didn't have a body...maybe you could hang it on the wall...

Anyway, we decided to buy the hippo, and being the expert HGTV watcher, I knew the rules...bid low, hold your poker face, and pretend that you're going to walk away if they don't meet your price. Apparently this works better in theory, because the minute I offered $1.00, the man glared at me with an evil eye (this does not happen on HGTV) and yelled to his wife in the back of the stall in a language I didn't understand..."$10.00" she yelled back. Now, I don't think I know all of the negotiating rules because I offered $2.00 next and pointed out that $10.00 was ridiculous because the original price was only $5.00. I think that maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I had stopped there...but in my HGTV inspired overconfidence I also added, "cmon, no one else is going to buy this." I think that might have been the icing on the cake because from the back of the stall came the wife's voice yelling, "put it back, you go away and put it back." Kaitlyn, Lena and I put the paper mache hippo down and booked it out of there.

In the end, I came home with nothing from the flea market but shaken negotiating confidence and a little bit of resentment towards HGTV. Seriously, if you're going to offer flea market advice, please double check the South Florida rules because honestly, like everything else, they are a little different down here. I actually had fun hanging with the girls today and I even got an ab workout laughing about the portable toilet and the giant underwear. I can only hope that at the end of the day the ugly hippo didn't actually belong to some minor royalty and that it's actually worth $18,000...or, maybe I can hope that it is worth $18,000 and someone bought it for $5.00...and is now hanging it on the wall of their double-wide.